Monday, September 28, 2009

Drowning In His Grace

A few days ago, I got out of an adolescant behavioral facility and I am anabsolutely NEW person. God has done such an amazing work in me. It is so unreal how much he has done in me. I feel brand new. Life has meaning andpurpose and I want to live. I look forward to each day!! Everyday is a new adventure for me and I absolutely love it!! I have found myself and I havefound who I am in Christ.5 months ago I checked into Willow Crest hospital. I thought that I wasbeyond repair and that I was just going to be a suicidal cutter for therest of my life. Boy, did God prove me wrong.60 days ago I decided to make not only myself and my grandma a promise,but also God. My grandma was on her death bed and her last wish was to see me free. I cried out to God and asked for help. I told him that I had strayed away, but I was ready to come home. From that day on, I read mybible everyday, I listened to christian music, and prayed continuously.God reached down his hands and picked me up. He gave me a revelation of how much he loved me and how much he so desired for me to be free. I realized that I had been searching everywhere for someone who could saveme. I was looking to people and to the ways of the world. I was depending on people and not on the one that I should have been depending on. So.. I decided that I was going to start depending on God only and I was going toput my life in his hands.After I made that decision my whole life changed. I started feeling joy and freedom and peace for the first time in my life. My whole mood and affect changed. I was finally making steps forward and for the first time,I was loving life and myself. I cant even explain to you what God has done in me. He has given me a true freedom and joy and a peace I have never known. I love life and I love myself. I love God with all my heart and Icant wait to see what he has in store for me!!I haven't cut in 60 days. I havent gone that long without cutting in 5 years. The last 60 days have been hard. My grandma passed away and my parents divorce was finalized. Things havent been peachy, but I am finding balance and I am finding the positive in even the negative situations. Irealize that life isnt going to be easy, but with God on my side I can getthrough anything and everything. Life means so much to me and I countevery day as a blessing from above.God is AMAZING!! All the glory goes to him and him only!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

I am ready!!

I am so ready to do whatever it takes to get the freedom I so deprately want. I am tired of living the way I have been living lately. I have been running for so long and I am ready to come home. I am tired of just trying to survive and exist, I am ready to live!! I am tired of cutting and burning every night and waking up the next morning feeling like a failure and knowing that I pierced my Heavenly Father's heart once I again. Today I found myself in a place of total brokeness. A place where I realized that only God can fix me. He is the only one that can pick up all of the little pieces of me and put me back together. Living in a life of sin is so totally overrated! It only makes me miserable. I can't continue to live in this pit that I have been living in.
I have lost every person in my life that means the most to me. They were all trying to help, but I just kept letting them down and letting them down. I would lie and manipulate so that I could continue to live in sin. I hurt the people that love me the most and were trying to help me the most. Today I lost the person that was always there for me. She helped me through so much. I lost her because I lied to and manipulated her because living the world's way seemed more appealing than having her in my life. I honestly don't blame her for not wanting to talk to me until I get it together. She did everything for me. Love me when I didn't love myself, believed in me when I didn't believe in myself, and hoped for me when I had no hope. And I let her down time after time after time.
I was really upset when she first told me that she didn't want to hang out until I got it together, but then I realized that was the motivation I needed to get my shit staright. In that place of brokeness I realized that no one person can fix me. She can be there for me and help me along the way, but the only person that can truely fix me is God. And I have to have a part in that too. God has been right here by me waiting for me to get so broken that I would turn back to him.
I know that I can control every choice that make and I have been making the wrong ones. I am tired of smoking, drinking, partying, having sex, and cutting. I am so much better than that!! God has made me to be so much more than this. He has constantly done things to show me that he loves me and He has there and I have ignored it. I have broken His heart and slapped Him in the face. I am so tired of doing that!! He sent HIs son to not only die for my sins, but He died for my freedom and for an abundant life.
I know that this isn't going to be easy. It's going to be hard as hell. I am going to have to fight!! There are going to be times when I am going to want to cut, but in those moments I am going to remember not only the people that love me, but also my Heavenly Father. I am going to fight and this time I am going to win.
Thank you to everybody that has been there for me and loved me through the hardest years of my life. You are all such blessings to me and I thank God for all of you everyday. I know that all of you have heard me say this before and you are going to have to see it to believe it, but I am ready to change. I am going to start fresh. I have a new counselor and I am going to work through all of the hurt and self-hate that has made me do these things that I have done. 2009 is going to be such a better year. I am ready for freedom. But this time I am not doing it for any of you. I am doing it for me. I am doing it so that I can be joyful, hopeful, and FREE. You all are going to be my inspiration and support, but I am doing this for me this time. I am going to make yall proud, but more than that I am going to make myself proud. I am starting over and I am going to be a totally different person. I love yall so much!!